What to Know About Intergenerational Traumas with Ioana Iuga

by Sofia Health Staff

Meet Ioana, founder of IIA Lotus Flower Counseling Ltd., a Social Project dedicated to fostering well-being and supporting individuals through challenging emotional situations. With a background in Buddhist Studies and counseling, Ioana is a certified counselor with expertise in ADHD management, medical neuroscience, and clinical psychology. Committed to holistic care, Ioana is training to become an intergenerational trauma clinician. She shares her expertise in this exclusive interview with Sofia Health

If you want to read the interview, please chick on the link below!

https://blog.sofiahealth.com/what-to-know-about-intergenerational-trauma

Meditation for stage I oncologic patients

by Ioana Justina Iuga

Meditation for stage I oncologic patients Cancer is a serious illness and the news of having cancer is debilitating. A person that gets such news is dealing with a life crisis. Questions like: “why me?”, “will I die?”, “how do I deal with it?”, “what is going to happen with my kids/spouse/parents/pets if I don’t make it?” are part of the new reality one must adjust to. Even when in remission, the constant fear of cancer coming back tends to be the norm of the new self. “Will it come back?”, “am I off the hook?”, “will I ever be able to go on with my life like I used to?”, “what if, what if, what if …”

I thought about it and I decided to create a meditation for stage I oncologic patients and I really, really hope it will benefit them. I cannot say I totally understand what they are going through and it would be unfair to them to pretend that I do as I (or any part of the entity that is me) did not have cancer myself (so far anyways), yet I do come from a family where there were people diagnosed with cancer and I could see firsthand that sometimes mental state made the difference between life and death.

My father had lung cancer and he died of a heart attack as he never liked hospitals and could not stand the thought of being in one. One of my aunts on the other hand has been living with cancer for more than 30 years now. She seems to be rocket solid in her mental state. She even told me once she was more afraid of being taken blood for annual check than being removed a breast as in surgery she was under anesthesia and could not feel a thing. That’s the spirit!

When I hear people talk about cancer, they always say “I have cancer” and I understand this but I don’t think it serves them. In Buddhism, we have a saying that everything exists but nothing truly exists as we perceive it. Perhaps you wonder what it means! Well, let’s take a cup for instance: you see it, it’s right in front of you, but somehow it breaks and you see the cup was actually made of several parts which themselves can be broken in smaller parts as well, right?

Now let’s go back to human anatomy and realize something basic: we do function as a whole, yet we are made of organs and tissues and vessels and cells etc.

Then, how come we do not make this distinction when we talk about cancer? Why not say: my liver has cancer? Of course it’s an important organ but it’s just one while the rest of them are still healthy. Wouldn’t it be more realistic and somehow less challenging to deal with? I’m just asking, I do not pretend to know. Having cancer is a life crisis and people are entitled to react to it as they feel. But isn’t it counterintuitive and less prone to fight for survival?

Again I do not know and I do not judge anyone’s reaction. There is a saying “before you judge someone, put yourself in their shoes”. I always felt this saying was incomplete as I would add something quite relevant: “put yourself in their shoes but first take of your own”. What does it mean? It means that one can never be truly understanding about another’s situation if they don’t get rid of their own perceptions (shoes) and this is really hard for many of us even if we claim it is not.

Bottom line, I really feel that the Buddhist approach will benefit oncologic patients. Why? Because it is one thing to say “I have cancer” and another one to say “my kidney has cancer” It’s still mine, it’s still part of the whole that is me but I can contain it somehow as I understand that while it is important as an organ, it is also a small percentages of ME while the other 80% or 90% is healthy.

MEDITATION:

Sit comfortable on a cushion or a chair or in your bed, whatever feels like the right choice for you. Breathe in (while counting to 4) and out (while counting to 6) for a few times till you feel you become more relaxed. Try to notice only your breathing because your breathing is a bridge between your subconscious and conscious mind. If you get distracted by thoughts, see them as colored balloons and let them go. Do this exercise several times till your breath is enough. When you reached some sort of relaxation, try to first see your body as a whole just like you would look in a mirror. Stay with this image for a while.

Then, little by little, zoom in and see your hands, your legs, your face, your eyes, your ears etc. Keep zooming in till you see all the parts of your body. Look at them for a while, if possible without any sort of rationalization. If thoughts kick in, return to focusing on your breath till they disappear.

Then zoom in a bit more and imagine your organs: is your liver healthy? If yes, try to rejoice! Is your heart healthy? If yes again, then rejoice one more time! Are your lungs healthy? Yes! Then rejoice!

Start with your healthy organs to build some sort of mental shift and gradually get to the organ affected by cancer. How do you see this organ? What is it that you feel about it? Sad, worried, terrified? Remember that by now you have already built intrinsic motivation to fight because many of your organs are healthy. So, now when you put the sick organ next to the others, how do you feel? Is this new perspective as worried and terrified or a little bit more optimistic?

If you were to give this organ a percentage in your body, what would this percentage be? Mathematically speaking, if the sick organ represents 10% of your body, then the rest of the body would be 90% healthy, right?

How does this realization make you feel? Is it helping you to build strength to fight the cancer that affected your organ? Are you less tensed now? If the answer is no, start it all over again till you get to a point where you really feel better and more optimistic about your odds.

Did you get to this stage? Then, breathe in and out for a few more times for this new perspective to settle in and then say a prayer. It doesn’t have to be Buddhist; it can be Christian, Muslim or any religious denomination you have. Then, finish it with Amen or Namaste or anything that feels important to you and go on with your day. And FIGHT! Your life is worth it!

Second Best

by Ioana Justina Iuga

I am constantly asked about Romance and Relationships. Is it ok to settle? After all, no one is getting younger you know, and if it seems pretty ok, why not? Well, my answer is: it is entirely up to you. But Think It Wise if you do not wish your decision to bite you in the ass at some point. Preferably before you have a mortgage and two kids.

Many people ask me “When do I know I found The One? If you ask yourself this question, my suggestion to you is keep looking cause you haven’t found it yet. Johnny Depp said something quite wise: “if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second”. Nice!

As an adult woman, I can share it with you that to me, the woman not the counselor, the worst kind of man is the one that has a relationship with someone and is trying to pursue another woman at the same time. Oh boy, I would really want them to know what I think of them!

So, this is a letter to the men with no balls: Dear boy, Grow up! Be a Man! If you like another woman, End the relationship you are in, take some moments of personal reflection and then, after a while, when you feel ok with yourself, beautifully and with no strings attached, court the other one. As a free man this time around, you will let her know directly that you are interested, not with little bits of hints “maybe she will get it”. IT IS THAT SIMPLE! Because if you play two heads, you disrespect the one you are with, the one you are interested in and yourself. Actually, you disrespect yourself first as no one with genuine self-respect acts like this.

So, next time you are in a relationship, even if you consider it casual or just sex related, remember that the person you are with might imagine you are their knight on a white horse. Be gentle, be kind, be respectful and let her know of your intentions or lack of them! And for heaven’s sake never, and I mean it, never ever show any sign of interest in another woman till you set things straight with the one you are with because no adult woman with self-respect will accept such low behavior!

Wake up now because I guarantee you that you will wake up eventually, preferably not like Al Bundy at 50 with two kids, so it is better to do it sooner than later.

If you as well have questions, please do not hesitate to follow this link and ask them: https://iiapsy.com/events/meet-your-pen-pal-counselor-today/

Confidentiality guaranteed!

Milestone anxiety and how to cope with it

by Ioana Justina Iuga

Somebody asked me to write about milestone anxiety and its increased impact in the millennials and generation Z lives, situation that becomes a concern among counselors and therapists.

Data from Relationship Charity Relate found that 77% of millennials and 83% of Generation Z feel pressured to hit milestones, such as buying a house or having children.

The pressure of milestone anxiety is not new. All generations felt it one way or another. As a young unmarried woman in my late twenties, I felt it myself. Later on, in my thirties, not having kids added up to the “misfit syndrome”.

So, why talk about it now? Is it fair to make it an issue of only two generations? No, it is not. Milestone anxiety has been there for centuries, and it will continue to be as long as we keep putting pressure on the newbies to follow into our footsteps.

I find it more interesting to explore the differences in coping with such anxiety between generations. First of all, let’s be clear: milestones changed as well. In the 18^th century, it was a “tragedy” if a 21-year-old girl did not have a proper suitor. Now, a 21 finds it hilarious. No one expected a young girl back then to have or even inherit a house, but nowadays young women consider it normal to work on this as an objective.

Ok then, so why does milestone anxiety become a concern among counselors and therapists now? Could it be that social media adds to it? It could be! After all, anyone logging on facebook gets to see “money, sex and rock-and-roll” rocking on. If you are not familiar with the expression, it means all is good in paradise and glamour, kisses and smiles showing off regardless of how one truly feels inside. Kind of pressuring, right?

So perhaps the level of anxiety did not change, but the exposure of the “misfit” became more obvious which makes the “misfit” even more misfitted.

Isn’t it sad that we use social platforms to mock and shame people instead of lifting them up? And what can we do (besides therapy) to make life better for us all not just the millennials and generation Z?

Well, we can develop the awareness that, while we might share a greater or lesser degree of universal consciousness as some mystics say, we are also different in our representations. We can acknowledge that it is beautiful to be different, it is beautiful to not be linear, it is beautiful to stand out. I know that for a person struggling to fit in, it seems unrealistic sometimes, but I’m the living proof it can be done. I am 45, never been married, no human kids of my own, still I am rad. Of course I had my moments of milestone anxiety, but I also somehow always felt I liked how my life unfolded in front of my eyes. Some choices were mine, some were more of destiny’s lessons but at the end of the day, I felt at peace with myself.

So, if I were to suggest some “strategies” to youngsters experiencing milestone anxiety, it would be more of an advice: stop seeing your life through somebody else’s eyes, try to proactively invest in your mental wellbeing to become more aware of Your needs and values and enjoy the ride. For some people this might be harder than for others, but remember: you can always find the right counselor for you to work with and you will get there eventually. You are on your own unique path and this is something to celebrate.

Feel free to check our blog at https://iiapsy.com/blog/, and if you feel any of our specialists might be a good fit for you, go ahead and contact them. If you like what you’re reading and wanna help us grow, please share this post!

Being a parent is a choice

by Ioana Justina Iuga

Being a Parent is a Choice. It involves responsibility for another human being, a fragile human being; so being a Parent is, or should be, a Conscious Choice. No half ways there! Your child depends on you; your child’s emotional wellbeing depends on you! So, it is your duty to ensure a safe environment for your child to feel loved and protected.

There are times though when being a parent is frustrating as hell for some people and that’s OK. We are human beings, we are filled with emotions and sometimes these emotions are anger, remorse, feeling hurt, rejected or even infuriated.

Most caregivers feel like crap when they experience such negative emotions in dealing with their kids. They feel they somehow failed as parents. Little do they know that the best attitude is to acknowledge these emotions to set them free?!

On this note, I had been asked more often than not what a parent can do when their child is having a tantrum at the store or in a restaurant.

Most parents feel completely depleted and utterly powerless when kids cry and cry and keep crying while seeming to never have the intention to stop. Of course, these parents love their children, but in such moments, they also feel that somehow their love is not enough. And it is not.

Why? Because being a conscious parent also means to be responsible for your behavior, to lovingly discipline your offspring as well, to teach them boundaries and to intuitively and empirically build up competencies that will enable you to help the child understand his/her emotions in order to overcome them gently.

So, what can a parent do in a circumstance like the one I mentioned?

Well, assuming we talk about trauma-free parents that do not get triggered by their kids and know how to stay aware, they should first take a minute to caliber their own build-up frustrations. Then, they should comfort the kid by acknowledging their distress yet without accepting to give in to the behavior. The parent will level down at the child’s eyes and then try, but NOT forcefully, to give them a hug.

If the child’s tantrum is way too violent to accept any form of comfort, the best thing the parent can do is to let the child know they are there for the child, they feel they have tried their best to help the child overcome the stressful emotion, yet they also feel helpless so they will give the child space to fully express their tantrum.

While it sounds counterintuitive, it works. I had seen and done it myself. Kids are amazing human beings and sometimes we just have to trust them to do their part.

Some parents though don’t feel comfortable with the thought that other people might “give them the look” for what is perceived as a lack of involvement on their side. If this is the case, I usually ask them why it is important what other people might think of them. Then, I tell them to reframe their motivation. With the right nonjudgmental guidance, they become more in tune with themselves as parents. Thus, they understand their duty is to prioritize their child’s wellbeing as they see it. After all, they know their kids better than anyone else!

Yes, being a parent is also a duty, the duty to choose responsively which action to take. It involves perseverance and trial and error more often than not. So why not set up the right motivation and try to take the pressure of your shoulders? What is the right motivation? Well, in this case, it’s universal: to be as aware as possible of your children’s needs, to guide them like a bus driver on a field trip and to also allow them space to build up their own inner strength and little bits of independent competencies. These strengths will make kids grow up to become autonomous emotionally healthy adults later on in their lives and that is what you want for them. This is your mission as a parent!

Being a parent is a CHOICE!